It's Diwali time!!

 Had a great Diwali celebration today... cleaned, cooked snacks and sweets, did some shopping... was fun! It was my little baby's second Diwali after birth last year .. so had to be great!

After days of tiresome work in preparations for the festivity, it was worth it... as we call off the day.. i am ponder over the childhood memories...  getting nostalgic.. missing my mother and siblings... 

This year, this Diwali was different... deep down my heart was and is sinking... something isn't right... and it makes me long for a lost bliss and happiness that used to be there... I am helpless... and despite things that are happening actfully in a peaceful way and despite all the celebrations in a religious manner... despite all these superficial brightness there is sorrow, gloominess hidden beneath attempting to come out... I miss a thing called family... miss a thing called love... a thing called empathy from my loved one... a thing called trust... despite being surrounded by my family I feel I am soo soo lonely... this is the day I have nobody nobody at all I can vent my heart out to... sometimes the world gets soo soo cruel that despite they see your misery they let you suffer... they keep hurting you... there are days when you have them as your people and days when they turn soo against you!! Yes, I have someone too who seems to have been lost.. have been taken away by someone or something very evil... the situations are such that despite you being innocent and being a victim of situations you are the one considered a demon... 

I am sorry I started the blog on a happy note and ending it in a sorrow.. if you are reading this please feel free to Express your feelings... maybe I am not alone... it's a huge world maybe there is someone else too going through a similar situation.. kindly leave a comment before leaving... please pray for me... I need god soo much right now...

Is god there somewhere?

 Many of us question the fact whether god is really there or not?! We all go through good times and the bad times... most of us remember I believe remember god only when we are in a bad situation... when the suffering gets unbearable... until then we dont even remember god or that supreme power... and when we see a miracle or good happening we get a hint somewhere  in out heart that yes some super power is definitely there... I am sure most of us might have a story to tell to confirm a close encounter with Him... His existence...

When I was a young child I used to offer prayers to god and I really believed I was a God's child... there had been instances that made me put my faith in God.. Yes, ofcourse exam prayers were a part of such instances too... apart from these there had been incidences I believe god truly made me conscious in some way that led to a near tragedy like situation to be warded off... there have soo far many many such instances that I have felt in my heart beforehand... one of such instances was about someone very very close to my heart... that was a day when I felt very very depressed and concerned... I felt something wrong had happened and as if the surroundings too were giving me a hint of the happening that was occurring somewhere... I am talking about my younger brother... the day we lost him.... I had been getting constant signals that made me feel something wrong was going to happen but I did not act as per my instincts... had I acted had I been a bit proactive that day that time I might have saved him... I regret I didnt! It was September 28, 2014... my youngest brother was no more!!

A similar episode had happened recently during my last trimester of pregnancy... I was asked by my doctors to take complete bed rest as my baby wasn't getting enough food supply... I and my husband decided to send me to Kerala his hometown as there was a month and a half left for my due date which was in November... the day before I was to leave I had very traumatic instincts in my heart... I felt very very sad and very very gloomy..  I cried almost an hour I didn't know why my heart was trembling... but when I remember that day I know now... that god was trying to tell me something... he was trying to tell me maybe about a bad situation that going to happen in my life... the very next day I reached Kerala it was September 29, 2019... On September 30th we reached hospital for my pregnancy checkup.. the doctor who checked, did my sonography sounded quite alarmed...he said my baby was probably in trouble... he asked me to deliver the baby immediately... I was admitted by the nurse and the doctors took my  baby out... at 5 in the evening of September 30th... I remember it was the second day of Navratri... and I again remember the day I lost my brother was in Navratri too... the "shraads", a month of prayer for the departed souls had already ended... 

If I think about that day when I felt gloomy... I know god was trying to tell me that a bad time was going to start and that I would need to be careful and strong... if I hadn't decided to go to Kerala and had gone to Ahmedabad my parents' place maybe I would not have bothered to go to see the doctors on the very next day of my arrival there... and maybe if the Kerala doctors were perfectly right I would have lost my baby... 

However, that saved my baby there but I did land into a situation I can't get out of now... this situation wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone to Kerala... but maybe I would have been dead without my baby either... !!

Life's an illusion!!

 I have returned to my blog after soo many years!! Oh my god! Now as I read my previous posts I sense the amount of energy and thrill and excitement i was filled with when i had written those posts... and now today as i see myself after these many years I know where I am... where I stand... it shows me where I had taken wrong steps and where I could have achieved my dreams had I gone that path... Life's a mirage an illusion of dreams... sometimes you see things that are actually not there... sometimes you get along a path that is not meant for you... and then you are lost... still thirsty for your dreams and your happiness...!

Wish there was a storyteller who would have told me stories about my real future... wish I had an option to decide which future I wanted to b in... 

I look back today and keep looking back... there is no forward vision as the past was exciting and the post is futile... gloomy!!

Things were bright looking until last year... I was as I mentioned... yes in illusion... I had illusion of love.. illusion of a bright happy future... I was hopeful of better things... I wanted to not give up on my dreams... wanted to really work in that direction as I felt my life with my "perceived" precious one was going to b great!!  BUT!! Yeah! It's all a shattered glass... I was just looking on an image I had seen on a broken piece of glass... the real glass was actually broken!! I realize that today!!